There comes a certain point where holding out for someone or something isn’t worthwhile anymore. Maybe it’s a friend that you’re not talking to anymore, a boyfriend that you’re no longer with, or that guy you’ve been seeing for the past month.
Yet, even if I told you right now that whatever is holding you back or hindering you from being the happiest person you can be wasn’t worth it, you’d probably still feel the same way. And that’s a natural thing. It takes a lot more than hearing or reading something to actually get over it, and even when you finally think you are, you may not be.
Months can go by without seeing that one person and then when you do, you may be hit with an overwhelming sense of anxiety. My friends have experienced it. I’ve experienced it. And to be quite honest, there isn’t really a perfect combination of words to say that makes everything better.
It takes time, and also realizing that the person really isn’t worth your time, to kickstart losing that feeling. And even when you do realize, you may still feel the same way.
My biggest pet peeve has always been people who aren’t honest, whether they’re stringing you along for their own benefit or not willing to communicate to at least try and work things out. At that point, you’re in a situation where something is clearly wrong, but you have no idea what or even what to do about it. And as time goes on, you can either allow it to take a toll on you or do what’s best for yourself and move on.
Well, that’s easier said than done. Just like it’s easy to say you don’t give a fuck, but actually not giving a fuck is a lot more difficult. Most things are still going to bother you, but you have to figure out what things are worth being upset over and what things are just a waste of time. It’s a line you draw for yourself, but one that can be extremely beneficial in the end.
You’re allowed to ask any question you want (for the most part and within reason). If your friends are getting distant, you have every right to ask them what’s going on, or if you’ve been seeing someone for a few months, you’re allowed to ask what exactly it is they see resulting from it. Opening the floor to discuss things is so crucial.
So many people are scared to have a conversation about things that matter and need to be spoken about because it “creates conflict” when in fact, the only conflict you’re creating is a result of not talking about things.
I tend to usually be the initiator in most situations. I’ll be the one to suggest hanging out. I’ll be the one to make the plans. I’ll be the one to address something being wrong. And over the years, that hasn’t always worked out. I’ve been the one putting the effort in and the same effort hasn’t been being put back. It took a while, but I realized how damn frustrating that was and how unfair I was being to myself.
So now, I don’t do that and I definitely don’t recommend you ever living your life that way. You shouldn’t have to prove that you’re worth a half hour drive to hang out, or that you’re worth being squeezed into someone’s busy schedule. Your self-worth takes a toll from that, especially if you feel like you’re constantly trying to convince someone you’re not a burden. That’s why when things don’t work out, you feel like it’s you.
Spoiler alert, most of the time, it’s not.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve beat myself up about things that don’t work out because I think it’s my fault, or how many times I’ve seen my friends do the same exact thing.
Eventually, it can feel like a cycle. It happens over, and over, and over. No matter how many times you tell yourself that this time things will change. But so far it hasn’t.
You’re chasing someone who doesn’t deserve you. And that’s the problem.
So stop.
Stop putting your time and effort into someone who isn’t giving it back.
Stop trying to make things work.
Stop being the easygoing one just so things can happen.
Stop letting them walk all over you.
That’s really what’s happening. You’re allowing yourself to be a doormat and it’s extremely unhealthy. And you deserve so much better.
No one deserves for you to let your wall down in front of them until they’ve proven themselves. When you love so selflessly and unconditionally – giving everyone a fair chance – people take advantage of that. They don’t realize how lucky they would be to actually have and keep that.
Don’t let these bad experiences prevent you from being happy. You need to grow and learn from them in whatever way possible.
So stop defining your self worth by the people who step all over you. Stop laying down and allowing it.
Stand up. Take a breath. Be assertive. And know that you deserve so much more than to be treated like that. Eventually, you’ll find that person that recognizes how much love you have to give, and he’ll reciprocate it. But don’t confuse him with the guy at the party who’s really good at sweet-talking his way into your life just to use you.
In the end, it’s his loss he’ll never have someone like you. And if you stand up for yourself, you’ll gain a whole lot more than you ever would have with him anyway.
Alexandra Licata 