I’m not quite sure why certain people leave a mark that stands out more than others. And it doesn’t necessarily have to be a good event for it to happen. There’s just a certain thing about some people, or some situations, that sticks with you.
And no matter how hard you try to forget about it, you just can’t.
I’m not talking about the people who leave an impression that causes you to keep them in your life. Those people are the best people, and the ones you want to have around forever.
I’m talking about the ones who make an impression and then just leave.
Or the ones who make a negative impression that actually harms you rather than does you any good.
Or the ones who leave an impression that you learn from.
Or the ones who you see at one singular moment, and they cause an immense amount of regret for not seeing them again.
I’ll never quite understand a person’s ability to make an impression, act as though you’ve made a positive impression, and then just drop you a week or so later with no explanation. It goes back to the whole idea of ‘ghosting’, which I spoke about in my last post. (You can check that out here.)
And sometimes I think perhaps it’s those impressions that hurt the most because you think you have something, but then you don’t. And you’re back at square one.
But then I think about the negative impressions people have left in my life. Yes, some of them are easily forgotten. Others aren’t exactly so easy to forget. A person’s ability to hurt you in such a way that prevents you from being able to learn from that experience for a period of them. Sometimes those people are some of your best friends. And even though you eventually learn from it, the moments leading up to finally reaching that resolution are some of the hardest you can experience.
It’s as though people lose all sense of how much an action can hurt someone; how being able to cut you out of his or her life so easily makes you feel worthless and almost as though that five year friendship meant nothing.
You’re not worthless. Not at all.
But that person leaves the impression that you are. And that hurts. Trust me, it’s one of the worst feelings in the world – to not know what the hell you did wrong that all of a sudden, that one person didn’t want you in his or her life anymore.
And eventually you learn. But not as quickly as you learn from the one who’s in your life for a brief period of time and begins to creep his or her way, but doesn’t play the act long enough for you to fall for it. Each time it happens, you pick up on it faster.
Some people can talk a big game, but not many can play the part.
Then you have the weird ones. Sometimes no words have to be exchanged for a moment to stick with you. And maybe it’s because I’m a person who looks at life in an “everything happens for a reason” way. Maybe I do believe in fate. And sometimes, to be honest, I hate the fact that I do. It feels like an easy way to justify and make yourself feel better when things don’t work out.
For example, and this feels so silly to talk about, but a few weeks ago I was walking out of the subway station with my friend as a guy was walking in with his, and we happened to exchange glances, but both continued walking past each other. We looked back more times than I could count, but neither of us actually stopped to walk back and talk to each other. I regretted that a lot. I was with my best friend who’s like my sister, and I think she got tired of how many times I said, “Wow, I was so stupid. Why didn’t I just go up to him and give him my number?”
I can’t really explain why it felt like a huge mistake or a missed opportunity. But that stuck with me for a while as something I regretted immensely.
Maybe it’s because you always hear stories of the random ways people meet.
Maybe it’s because I wanted to prove to myself that I had the confidence to go up to someone and do that.
Maybe it’s because I felt like that was an opportunity to overcome some of the anxiety I have when talking to guys.
Whatever the reason was, I’m not quite sure. But it’s moments like those that leave an impression that inspires you. So I took those emotions and wrote a poem.
I tend to write a lot of poetry at times. It’s the method I’ve used to get feelings out a lot more recently than I have before, and I’m not sure if I’ll ever share them. Maybe at some point I’ll start a page on here to solely post poetry and little thoughts I jot down throughout the day. That could be something I do eventually.
But anyways, just as people leave impressions on you, you leave impressions on other people. It’s not always going to be a great one, it’s not always going to lead to something but that doesn’t mean it didn’t matter.
Just aim to be the best you you can be. Don’t worry about what people are going to think. Don’t aim to please other people. But make those impressions when they matter. And make ’em last.
Alexandra Licata 